You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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