I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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