I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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