I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
