saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just gift wrapped bread.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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