i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
