nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
