Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
