dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
