WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
