apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
