Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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