@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
