now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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