I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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