I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize