I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
