You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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