i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
