i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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