I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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