Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize