I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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