It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
