your parents love me but you hate me
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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