Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I can tuck mytits in my pants
what day is it and did you see me today?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Randomize
