this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize