Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
