margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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