So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
