Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
