I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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