I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize