Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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