Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
