shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
