hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
