Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
