I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize