My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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