I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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