dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize