My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
