i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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