i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
