My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize