i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
