im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
