Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
did i walk over a car last night?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize