i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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