I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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