How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize