Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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