I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize