when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
