I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
