That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize